i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize