I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Randomize
