I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
