I think my vagina is haunted
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
