Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
