Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
