Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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