my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Randomize
