hotel room ftw
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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