Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
cat food counts as protein by the way
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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