i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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