The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
