I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
