Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
