I feel great
I just peed on a car
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
