True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize