we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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