Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
