i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just tell him i said nine months
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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