Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
pop tarts are not kleenex
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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