just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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