I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
the day after is always just damage control
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
