She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
