I looked at my own cervix.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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