How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
