i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
