i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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