he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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