You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
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