So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
