You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
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