Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize