thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize