I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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