I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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