Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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