I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
