maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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