What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
