i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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