my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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