never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize