i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I wish i was in the wii world.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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