Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Success! We fucked roommates!
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