I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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