found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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