Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
