When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
