Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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