just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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