i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
