Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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