so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
