They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
