I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
