you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Randomize