saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
