i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Everything about him screamed your future.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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