i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Randomize
