It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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