ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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