i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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