saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
