the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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