is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
