i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
