I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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