I have demons in me.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
