why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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