my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize